Fear cured most things. Hunger, thirst…hope. It filled me up until it ate my insides, burrowing deep into my psyche to remind me I was a piece of shit.
I left them there, killed a mother and her child because I wasn’t strong enough.
My eyelids, heavy and thick, refused to lift, forcing me to see their faces–Cara and her precious baby girl screaming for us, needing us. And we just left them. My mind replayed the same image of those lights swallowing them up, disintegrating them to ash.
My eyes shot open and pain lanced my brain. The static was gone, but the memories of it a dull, throbbing reminder. I tried to breathe, but panic forming in my throat made it difficult to do properly. Hyperventilating created clouds of dizziness. I tried to get up, but slammed back onto a floating surface as soft as velvet. When my movement made the swaying worse, I rolled to the edge of a bed and released all the dried apricots and fish from my stomach.
A bucket scooted under the vomit stream, the heaves so violent I almost fell to the floor. Warm hands held me up and pulled back my hair as I emptied the last of my stomach’s contents, leaving a hole so big I wanted to disappear in it, escape everything.
Sobs filled the room, distant at first, but then blaring right inside my head, almost as loud as the Guides’ attack. Moisture coated my face, coming from my eyes, my nose…my mouth. I couldn’t do it anymore.
“Shhh…I’m here, you’re safe.”
Familiar safety of soft arms held tighter, the smell of vanilla pushing past the pain.
I clung to her, not opening my eyes again, not wanting to face reality. Ever. She didn’t force me and held on until the very last sob escaped. Until nothing was left.
I wanted to go home, forget everything.
I killed them.
My head stayed nestled in the crook of her arm. She rocked me, stroked my hair. Said words I didn’t bother to try to comprehend. I cleaved to her voice. Too much. All of it had become too much. I couldn’t deal anymore.
Take me home!
Oblivion rescued me again. This time, blackness gave me peace.